To be thin…or to be happy?

“So diets are all well and good (well i say that… i’m pretty sure 99% of them don’t work) but i really really hate it when people feel the need to tell me about said diets. I mean, i’m happy for you i really am….but please don’t make me feel bad for eating cake. I like cake.”

This was me last year. This year i am the fattest i’ve ever been. Don’t get me wrong i am not exactly fat…but i look in the mirror and i’m not entirely happy either so i figured that’s bad. Ironic really cos for the last 3 years my appearance is the only think i have liked about myself… now i am less depressed and more jolly (which is GREAT) but just a tiny bit fat. OHHH life is a BASTARD sometimes! (Disclaimer: I am actually very lucky in my life and I should just shut my face…but its all relative)

N bought me a 1950s pin-up photoshoot for my birthday where they do you hair and make up and give you clothes and then you get lots of photos done. It’s for two…and my first thought was ‘it’s ok i’ll just take an ugly friend!’…but alas, all my friends are genuinely beautiful – bitches! Sooo i am having to resort to exercise and a diet. Well my version of a diet anyway.

My version of a diet is a weekday (and sundays) only diet. I mean come on..if you can’t enjoy yourself (i.e eat…that is mainly how i get my enjoyment) on a saturday then what is the point?! So sunday-friday, I have porridge for breakfast, soup and salad (no dressing) for lunch and fish and veg (no potatoes) for tea….that’s hardly anything right!? Also me and a friend get up at 6.15AM EVERY WEEKDAY (well most of em…at least 3 or 4) to go to the gym and it’s made no difference whatsoever!! Well… maybe a bit…but i am really impatient and i fully expected to look like a model by now.

I did a study at work last year on sedentary behaviour…they were trying to suggest that we should all use standing desks and live happily ever after….basically they took loads of measurements, like height, weight, waist measurement, cholesterol, glucose, BMI, fat % and then made us wear monitors for a couple of weeks and measure our steps…and they gave us standing desks. My measurements were all very depressing… my weight and BMI were fine but apparently i am fat on the inside (fat % too high), and my ‘bad’ cholesterol is too high (that’ll be the cheese, but quite frankly i’d rather die than give up cheese).  So anyway after 6 weeks of wearing monitors, and recording steps etc etc they did the measurements again. Absolutely zero improvement…apart from i am now 2cm shorter  (this in itself makes me suspicious of scientific studies). Don’t get me wrong, this was entirely my fault, because unlike the other participants, i was not at all motivated by the step counter and did not go out for a run at 10pm if i hadn’t made my 10,000 target (i average 9000 a day anyway without trying!)…in fact if anything it made me more defiant and lazy….which in turn made me depressed and angry at myself….so i ate more no doubt.

I am not a scientist and do not profess to know anything about running scientific studies, but if their point was to measure how ‘good’ standing desks are…i assumed they would monitor how long we used them for… They didn’t and consequently i used mine very little (it hurt my back and my feet and made me feel like i was going to pass out…also it is impossible to concentrate standing up….and i like to be as close to the floor as possible where it’s safe….in fact i think i’d be fine without a desk at all)

I asked them if their study took into account different behaviours and the physiological impact of what they were doing on participants…they said no, so i suppose i have to understand that i am just the exception to the rule and should not read too much into it. On the plus side…since i have no longer been involved in the study, i have lost weight and am far more healthy…..and i did my photoshoot….and after the initial ‘oh my god this is soo cringe i want to die’ it was awesome.