A typical family weekend…

So a few weeks ago me and my family (Dad, Mum, Auntie, Uncle and Cousin) went to the 50th birthday party of a lady called M..who is German and who used to spend every summer with my grandparents (I forget why) so was kinda like my mum and aunties sister….
The party wasn’t at her house it was at a random old couple’s mansion (I forget how they fit into the story…i think they were/are friends with my grandma and lived near to her when my mum was little)..The lady (C) was lovely, one of those people who just makes you feel welcome without even trying. There were also like a million dogs wandering around so I was right at home – pretty sure some of them didn’t even live there (evidently she makes dogs as welcome as humans). The garden was also ace…the sort of garden you could spend ages just wandering around in (in fact we did).

Anyway back to the point….It was M’s 50th birthday. Started out pretty normal – drinks, nibbles, awkward networking with strangers and people who ‘haven’t seen you since you were in nappies’. But then lots of weird stuff kept happening…

Firstly a crazy scottish man started a massive fire in the garden and it got a bit out of hand, i asked him about the fire and he said he wanted to burn some garden rubbish…i resisted the urge to point out to him that it may have been better to do this when they weren’t holding a party, and therefore the garden wasn’t full of people battling to keep ash out of their eyes, face and wine glasses….largely this was due to him introducing me to his insanely ace dog, which kind of made the fire seem insignificant. Yes i am obsessed with dogs.

I was forced into an awkward conversation with a guy because someone found out he went to the same university as me (20 years before) and assumed we’d have soo much in common?! (that reminds me of a time when i was out with N’s work friends and this lady says to me…”OMG you have similar boots on to my daughter..you must go and talk to her!!!” erm realllly…why???) Anyway this guy described himself as a jock – i didn’t even know what a jock was…(well actually i thought it was one of those irritating men you see on American High School films) but obviously i didn’t want to admit this..so i just kind of smiled and stared at him for a bit….turns out he just meant he did sport…and then i was like….oh sport…this conversation is going nowhere.

A bit later on all the Germans burst into song and a man came out with playing an accordion…it kind of felt like one of those moments in a musical when everyone just randomly starts singing and they all know the words…even tho its a made up song…they were signing in rounds and everything…then a lady recited a German poem and the Germans were all weeing themselves laughing…. obvs we had no idea what she was on about being all english etc, so we just stood around smiling like loons….

Anyway we decided to leave when the guitars came out…i personally would have like to have stayed….the random music and dancing looked way fun…but it was quite late. We said goodbye and C showed me the bedroom I could stay in when I next visit (I pretended this was not weird given that i had only met her 3 hours previously).

Ohhh i nearly forgot the best bit!!!! When we were sitting around drinking earlier, a lady (the neighbour) came over and said to me and my cousin ‘do you want to come to my house and watch my tits?’….we just stared at her for a bit and wondered what kind of party this was turning out to be….but then it turned out she was talking about blue tits and she had a camera in her bird box. Apparently, as she went on to tell us, she is ”continuously on tit-watch”

Anyway so that was the day…Mum assures me her entire childhood was like this…..which probably explains a lot!

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