Cornwall, Beaches, Sheep and Compost Toilets (yes they actually are a thing)

When I decided to book a week in Cornwall back in March…i realised pretty quickly that going to Cornwall isn’t the cheap holiday option…a caravan for a week cost £600!! a caravan…seriously! So we ended up booking a Yurt through Air BnB (which is a fab site btw – you should try it!). I’d seen yurts on tv and had an image in my head of some kinda Caribbean cosy retreat ( Yes i realise how ridiculous that sounds)…safe to say it wasn’t the Caribbean (more mongolian actually) but it was really lovely and there was a real bed 🙂 The same cannot be said for the toilet and shower situation….compost toilets…seems so hippie and cool and back to nature….i can assure you it doesn’t feel cool at 4am when you are fumbling around in the dark trying to wee in a hole and cover it with sawdust. I learnt the art of fast weeing…mainly cos i was holding my breath and terrified something would emerge from said hole and get me! It was kinda like those toilets that you get in castles…you know like a bench with holes in it that you sit on. The best bit was the disco lights (the only form of light) they had strung up around the shed…which flickered so madly that if you didn’t die from being attacked by a toilet monster you’d probably end up epileptic.  The shower was much better – in that it was clean and warm and looked like it had experienced some modern technology…the problem was the shower was in the campsite owners house… and you had to knock on the door and ask to use it. This was fine (the campsite owners were lovely and very accommodating)…until I left my bra in the shower and had to do the walk of shame to collect it the next day…i didn’t have many showers.

Anyway we had a fab week in Cornwall in the end, weather was good (for england) and Geoffrey loved his first beach experience.

Stuff that happened:

  • Geoffrey discovered sand and preceded to run round and round in circles like he was on drugs, until we ended up tangled in a big mess of dog leads and legs
  • We realised we are not cut out for starting fires….and had to burn an entire toilet role and most of the leaflets in a tourist information centre in order to start our (small) log burner.
  • Log burners are ridiculously hot and it was like sleeping next to the sun
  • Geoffrey and I had a hilarious encounter with a little boy (probs about 6) which went like this:
    • Boy: Can i stroke your dog?
    • Me: Yes course you can
    • Boy: does he like water? can i give him some water? *pulls over water bowl and tries to stuff dogs face into it*
    • Me: Ermm
    • Boy: He’s not drinking it…does he like it? Do dogs prefer dirty water?
    • Me: *laughs* actually i think Geoffrey does (he always drinks puddles)
    • Boy: *pulls up weed, shoves it, soil and all into the water bowl and swishes it round*
    • Boy’s Mum: ALEX WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?! NO DOG IS GOING TO WANT TO DRINK THAT NOW!!
    • Boy: *looks sheepishly at bowl and is dragged away by mum*
    • Me: Oops…
  • Geoffrey chased a sheep. I was overwhelmingly disappointed in him and refused to acknowledge his existence for nearly a whole day.
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  • We ate a lot of food

My friends are the best

So me and my besties continually have a conversation going over text…sometimes i zone out and go back to my phone only to find unread 200 messages… but sometimes they are hilarious. I saved this one from a few months ago…just found it so thought i’d share 🙂

GP: Well I forgot my laptop charger so I’m home again lol

Me: Good work GP

KL: Aw kids right old mess ain’t ya

GP: Yep I might crash and burn or flip out cry and kill someone. Mess angry. Rach is poorly poorly. What’s up with you and Theaks? There’s gotta be something?! Lol

Me: erm…lost my pedometer…?

KL: Pretty sure my right foot bone is growing. I need to find my foot chart

GP: thats serious ken

KL: Nah. It sonetimes stops me from falling over. When I walk like a stupid which is often

GP: Lol

Me: see Gail it could be worse, you could have a serious foot issue or have lost your pedometer

KL:I think I’ve got two new belly moles too…If that helps. But my mole chart was on the back of my foot chart! I like to keep track of them in case a new one pops up that looks like cancer. I assume I’ll know when I see it

Me: do u have a boob chart? you know to track mysterious lumpy bits

KL:…I do not…Spose that would be sensible

Me: i swear my boobs are all mysterious lumpy bits, mum tells me its a family sitch. OOOOH GAIL i DOOO HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM!!! i have to sing ‘let it go’ to a park full of people in july! i will most liekly poo on stage

Me: that will be a MAJOR PROBLEM

KL: Can I come see you poo?

KL: Wait, that sounded wrong

Me: if you want….i spose

KL: Just to be clear I will avert my eyes if pooping occurs…Then create a diversion so you can flee

Me: That’s what friends are foooor *burst into song*

GP: Lol Ken u need to make a chart for that! I never check my boobs. Or my moles. And I do have a million of them. Literally

Me: i’m going to send you all my BOOB HQ updates from now on

KL: I had a mole that appeared one day then changed colour then went then came back. I got worried hence the chart. I told mum all worried she asked me if I fell asleep on chocolate. That was one time!

Me: LMAO

GP: Lmao. But when a new one comes they come gradually don’t they so I guess that’s what they do

KL: That one appeared all solid and dark one day… He’s gone now… It wasn’t chocolate I checked

Pause

KL: Imagine if moles were because of tiny skin moles that lived in the blood and pop up and make molehills on you

Me: maybe they are

CM: Lmao guys

Me: have you ever had this thing where you drink coke and its too cold so it makes your throat feel like you’ve just swallowed a load of fluff?

CM: Um I sneeze when I eat mint if that helps?

KL: I can’t say that I have

KL: Lol are you allergic to mint

Me: i feel like there is fluff stuck in my throat

Me: i think i’m dying

CM: It just catches me by surprise

CM: Also u lot seem bridesmaids right? U know the song at the end that they sing?

Me: erm dunno if i have

KL: Warm the coke up? Microwave!

KL: I forget what song is at the end

CM: I thought this was appropriate for us all today as we are all

Fucked in some way shape or form at the minute http://youtu.be/zOK7ijzywgs

RA: Ha! This conversation is cheering me up no end!

 

Chat conversation end

A typical family weekend…

So a few weeks ago me and my family (Dad, Mum, Auntie, Uncle and Cousin) went to the 50th birthday party of a lady called M..who is German and who used to spend every summer with my grandparents (I forget why) so was kinda like my mum and aunties sister….
The party wasn’t at her house it was at a random old couple’s mansion (I forget how they fit into the story…i think they were/are friends with my grandma and lived near to her when my mum was little)..The lady (C) was lovely, one of those people who just makes you feel welcome without even trying. There were also like a million dogs wandering around so I was right at home – pretty sure some of them didn’t even live there (evidently she makes dogs as welcome as humans). The garden was also ace…the sort of garden you could spend ages just wandering around in (in fact we did).

Anyway back to the point….It was M’s 50th birthday. Started out pretty normal – drinks, nibbles, awkward networking with strangers and people who ‘haven’t seen you since you were in nappies’. But then lots of weird stuff kept happening…

Firstly a crazy scottish man started a massive fire in the garden and it got a bit out of hand, i asked him about the fire and he said he wanted to burn some garden rubbish…i resisted the urge to point out to him that it may have been better to do this when they weren’t holding a party, and therefore the garden wasn’t full of people battling to keep ash out of their eyes, face and wine glasses….largely this was due to him introducing me to his insanely ace dog, which kind of made the fire seem insignificant. Yes i am obsessed with dogs.

I was forced into an awkward conversation with a guy because someone found out he went to the same university as me (20 years before) and assumed we’d have soo much in common?! (that reminds me of a time when i was out with N’s work friends and this lady says to me…”OMG you have similar boots on to my daughter..you must go and talk to her!!!” erm realllly…why???) Anyway this guy described himself as a jock – i didn’t even know what a jock was…(well actually i thought it was one of those irritating men you see on American High School films) but obviously i didn’t want to admit this..so i just kind of smiled and stared at him for a bit….turns out he just meant he did sport…and then i was like….oh sport…this conversation is going nowhere.

A bit later on all the Germans burst into song and a man came out with playing an accordion…it kind of felt like one of those moments in a musical when everyone just randomly starts singing and they all know the words…even tho its a made up song…they were signing in rounds and everything…then a lady recited a German poem and the Germans were all weeing themselves laughing…. obvs we had no idea what she was on about being all english etc, so we just stood around smiling like loons….

Anyway we decided to leave when the guitars came out…i personally would have like to have stayed….the random music and dancing looked way fun…but it was quite late. We said goodbye and C showed me the bedroom I could stay in when I next visit (I pretended this was not weird given that i had only met her 3 hours previously).

Ohhh i nearly forgot the best bit!!!! When we were sitting around drinking earlier, a lady (the neighbour) came over and said to me and my cousin ‘do you want to come to my house and watch my tits?’….we just stared at her for a bit and wondered what kind of party this was turning out to be….but then it turned out she was talking about blue tits and she had a camera in her bird box. Apparently, as she went on to tell us, she is ”continuously on tit-watch”

Anyway so that was the day…Mum assures me her entire childhood was like this…..which probably explains a lot!