So i’ve always thought its good to do things that scare you… push you out of your confront zone every now and again. The problem is, when you suffer from anxiety, most things are scary and you get a bit bored of it. Todays activity included singing in front of billions (well it felt like billions) of people at a community day in a park.
I have been having singing lessons since january – N bought me some for my birthday cos i was too much of a wimp to actually book them myself. I used to sing a lot when i was little… i was in all the school productions and i loved it. When i was 15 i moved to a school which was much bigger… you couldn’t join in with school productions unless you auditioned and it was only the loud kids that got noticed generally. Consequently I’ve never sang since. My biggest fear is that people will tell me i can sing when i can’t, and i’ll just make a massive twat of myself, so it took be a while to get up the courage to go for my first lesson. I now have lessons every wednesday and although i’m still not overly convinced i can actually sing, i really enjoy it. There is a lot more to it than i’ve ever imagined… most of my half an hour lessons are taken up with breathing exercises and warm ups. Warms which include having to make a fool of myself on a regular basis… yawns, sirens, and an assortment of other weird noises. Despite feeling like an idiot you can really feel the difference tho and i think i have got better.
Anyway today i agreed (or was forced) to sing at an open mic event a park in Derby. It was like a community day and there were loads of stalls and stands etc. I sang “Skinny Love’ by Birdy and given that it was the first time i’ve sang in front of people in 15 years and the first time ever singing into a microphone… i think it went ok. Obvs learning the words was a step to far tho and i had to have them up on a music stand in front of me – but you can’t have everything! For the first few lines i wanted to die…but as i got into it it was SOO much fun! i kinda wanted to do it all again afterwards….i think that feeling might wear off a bit tho.
What annoys me is that people always say ‘the more you do it, the easier it gets’. For me that is definitely a load of rubbish..i m sure next time i will be just as scared, if not more so as i will place even more expectation on myself. I will always force myself to do stuff that scares me and most of the time i’m really glad. The way i see it, yeh you may risk making a fool of yourself doing something you are not comfortable with (even if you do, people will get over it in like 10 minutes) or you could absolutely love it and feel great. i know this is easy to say and believe me, i’ve got so angry with people who’ve said this to me before, but seriously if the depressed girl with anxiety disorder can do it…anyone can 🙂