I would rather break my fingers than play netball…

So my latest rant is all about sport, exercise and other healthy stuff. I’ll be honest i would be lying if i said i was even the slightest bit ‘sporty’ but i don’t want to end up a fat old women with heart problems so i force myself to exercise when i can.

PE at school was always a sore point for me. I generally hated it with a passion and would go as far as saying in some cases it was verging on child abuse. Take Netball for example…girls are expected to play netball because apparently they are too delicate to play rugby (I am far from a feminist but this is bollocks). Anyway Netball is quite possibly the most irritating game i have ever played in my life! My PE teacher spent the majority of each lesson screaming at me for being in the wrong place, not pivoting with the ball properly and generally just being shit. Time she could have spent with those people who actually enjoyed playing and wanted to learn – I will always feel guilty for that. As i pointed out to her on several occasions i disliked Netball and no amount of her shouting at me would make me understand the point of Netball. There was also the problem of catching…invariably when a ball comes towards me, my first reaction is not to catch it but to protect myself from it…consequently i just splayed out my fingers to protect my face….ball hit fingers….and very often ball broke fingers. Subconsciously i think i probably did this deliberately….yes that is how much i hated Netball! I WOULD RATHER BREAK MY FINGERS THAN PLAY NETBALL!!

Then there was gymnastics…where to start with gymnastics… When i was 5 or 6 my friend started a gym club…me being me, i wanted in on this, so off i went. My gym career started and ended in my first class. The instructor told us all to lie on the floor in a line. He then came over to me and decided it would be a good idea to pick me up by my legs. On balance i think he realised this was in fact a terrible idea when i started screaming hysterically and kicked him in the face. As a result of this, my mum was told it would probably be better if i didn’t attend gym club anymore. I was clearly not at all distraught by this, in fact the whole experience had instilled panic in me every time the word gymnastics was mentioned. This did not deter my teachers however. I was still forced to participate in gymnastics in school PE lessons. I remember one lesson vividly. There were various types of apparatus set up around the room…one of which was a narrow boxy thing – i think the technical term is horse. We were forced to line up in front of the horse and when it was our turn climb up and do a forward roll on it…bearing in mind it was only about 30cm wide. Not only did this seem incredibly pointless, dangerous and quite frankly stupid, it terrified me…It clearly terrified others too – at least 3 kids cried that lesson! I told the teacher i didn’t want to do it…she just laughed at me and marched me to the front of the queue so i had to do it in front of everyone. I will always hate her for that. Anyway i did it. It taught me nothing, i hated it and I became more determined than ever to never be forced to do anything i didn’t want to do ever again. So much so, that the next time we had gymnastics, i hid in the store cupboard on a crash mat…she came and found me obviously…whereupon i informed her i would not be participating in gymnastics ever again and she couldn’t make me. She just laughed and said she could. I said “I’m pretty sure you are not allowed to physically force me do anything i don’t want to do”. She got the point and never mentioned it again. Anna 1 Gymnastics 0!

Soo i have probably made myself sound like every teacher’s worst nightmare but i’d like to think now i’ve grown up a bit and moved on from ‘PE’ lessons i have a bit more of an appreciation for sport and exercise. Sadly i don’t think this is the case at all. The difference is, that now i get to chose what i do and when… and there is no way in this world I will ever play netball, basketball or any other irritating team game where there is a chance i will be continually shouted at for being crap.

Now i have entered the world of ‘exercise classes’. created largely i suppose for the working populations who feel pressured into doing some kind of exercise but have neither the time or inclination to think up their own. Having tried many of these, i am frustrated to find that most, if not all, require some kind of coordination or dance ability. I posses neither of these. i am especially bad when forced to parade around in front of a mirror… quite why i need to see myself looking like a complete twat whilst attempting some unnecessary aerobic style dance i will never know. The problem is…cos i’m a weirdo, the more i try and fail to remain coordinated the angrier i get…and then i give myself a panic attack…which frankly is quite counter-productive. The worst time was when i went to a STEP class… the instructor was a fat old man…which no offence, didn’t exactly fill me with much confidence from the outset. his instructions were so hard to follow and the moves so unnecessary i got so annoyed i wanted to walk out. The only reason i didn’t was because i didn’t want to leave my friend…she found the whole thing hilarious tho and said she was worried i was going to kill him at one point. Yeh so anyway i’ve never been back to step. Spin is my favorite. Lovely simple, painful spin. I am totally fine with intense cycling to the point where you feel like you are going to be sick (i like pain…told you i was weird)… but also you don’t have to dance, there is little to no coordination required and afterwards you feel like you’ve actually achieved something.

so you are probably getting the idea from this that i don’t like dancing much…actually that’s not true…I have in fact performed in a dance show in front of hundreds of people..yep really. Apparently i am ok with dancing after wine, and when it involves a lot of draping myself over chairs in my underwear looking provocative.. Just to clarify it was Burlesque, i am not a stripper.


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